I always thought anxiety only meant being worried about something, as in nervous or stressed about a situation. Boy, oh boy, was I wrong. Anxiety can be so much more and for me wasn't a conscious worry, it was underlying, heavy, and chronic. After several years of pressure, I broke. One time I lost consciousness mid-conversation for no apparent reason while sitting with my boys, scaring them near to death. Another time I was alone and sat down to type in something to watch on television and suddenly had racing thoughts that were coming simultaneously and so fast I couldn't focus on any one particular thing, my mind was spinning. I woke up to see gibberish typed on the screen and the remote lying on the floor. The worst and final one was when I was shopping with my Momma and suddenly not feeling well, I recall her asking me what I meant by not feeling well and that is the last thing I remember before coming to sitting on the floor in my urine with the store display shelf behind me knocked over and two store associates knelt with my Momma by my side. I was diagnosed with a loss of consciousness seizure. It stands to reason that the first two were the same, just not as severe. I refer to this as my "hard restart".
After several neurological tests and starting seizure medication, I continued to have what we thought were seizure auras. No more losing consciousness, but replaced with other symptoms such as a racing heart rate, suddenly feeling weak, and overcome with cold to the point of uncontrollable shivering or becoming so hot I needed a fan even in normal room temperatures. After a year and a half of dealing with this, rest, reflection and many doctor visits, Generalized Anxiety Disorder seems to be my answer. This diagnosis seemed hard to accept at first because I was raised to brush it off and keep going, pull up your 'big girl panties' and 'just get the job done'. That mentality has served me very well all my life, and perhaps made dealing with my son's cancer diagnosis and other hardships I've endured easier to handle, I am thankful for the example my parents set for me.
Being constantly by my son's side through treatments, the ups and downs, and sometimes as I watched him sleep not knowing if he would wake up was understandably hard to bear. However, I just carried on because each day had its own problems and I couldn't afford to dwell on it, as I had to be present for him. Two metastatic recurrences later, he is a three-time pediatric cancer survivor. He still has a hard time sometimes with some things, and probably always will. And so the days are still hard even though he is cancer-free, the after-effects are quite hard. And everything I pushed back before through those years of treatment has come forth again.
Every person can only handle so much, and everyone's tolerance is different. I expected my tolerance to be greater, because 'Daddy didn't raise no wimp' but the last eight years have been so challenging that as soon as we hit a new normal we didn't have time to adjust to it before being hit with something else. It does not mean you are weak if you need help, and anxiety medications have helped me feel more like myself than I have in a very, very long time, I didn't even realize that anything was wrong but my body was crying out for help. The "hard restart" where my body seemed to revolt against me was just what I needed to recognize that I needed help.
Anxiety can hide under the surface and be internalized in your body, as it did with me, I didn't even know anything was wrong until I started having seizures. I encourage everyone to journal and physically write whatever they are thinking about, there is something therapeutic about putting pen to paper and getting your thoughts and feelings out, to realize what is actually on your mind, your heart, and your soul that you may not realize is there weighing you down. I wish I had done this all along but I didn't know its value and it could have saved me so much heartache. In my opinion, getting it out is the best way to deal with it and move on to better your life ahead.
Thank you for stopping by!
~ Shanon